Friday, October 07, 2005

do not question god...

"...do not question god for the things that has happened to you..."

i watched "magpakialanman" last night at gma-7 and they featured julia clarete's life story. to sumarize things - she had a hard life - has an abusive father, left by their mother at a young age to work abroad, molested as a kid by her relative until her teen years, tried to commit suicide, was taken advantage financially by her manager, had unstable relationships, had a boyfriend, whom she considers to be her soulmate, who committed suicide.

looking at the way things turned out for her, it was really a tough life she lived. she's just now recuperating from all of these and has gained back her lost opportunities.

when asked by mel tiangco what message she can give to people, she somehow said - don't blame god for anything that happens to you. she never did and still she's thankful for the lessons she's learned.

hearing those things from her, i just couldn't help but cry...

i've been crying again for the past 2 nights. i always remember my little raya and i'm just so overwhelmed by grief just thinking about her. i'm still filled with sadness over the loss of my baby. and now that almost 5 months has passed, it's still the same. the void in my heart is big.


i must admit that there was a point in my life, after the loss of our baby, that i questioned HIM. i questioned HIS reasons. i just can't help but ask why did this happen? what have i done to deserve this? have i been bad that HE will allow this to happen to me? have i not followed all HIS teachings? why?!...

i am one of those people who will always say "everything happens for a reason." and yet here i am not able to accept the same thing that i preach.

last month, during mama mary's birthday, i was still somehow bitter over my loss. but during the homily of fr. bernie carpio, his words struck me - mama mary, inspite of all her blessings, still felt that what she can give to the LORD is not enough. she accepted everything that GOD has thrown her way, even the loss of her child JESUS.

it was then that i realized, what nerve do i have questioning GOD for all that has happened! HE's always been good to us and for whatever reason HE has for taking our baby, it was probably for our good as well.

hard as it may seem to accept it, now i know that it probably is true. probably, this is the best situation that HE can give us.

i still cry... i still long for my baby... i still think about her... and i miss her... but now, i no longer question GOD... i've stopped questioning HIM...

now, i've learned to just go on with my life... make the most of what i have... continue to keep my bond with nelo stronger... in due time, HE will grant us again the child that we long for...

in time, i'll have my peace over my loss...

in time...

2 comments:

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  2. I hope this helps. It helped me.

    Whenever you begin to feel overwhelmed by grief. Just turn to God for help. All I would say was, "Dear Lord, please help me." And He would fill that void with His love and grant me peace. No matter how many times a day I asked, He always answered.

    Eventually, it was easier to cope. But still, sometimes, something will trigger an unusually strong memory that will bring an unusually strong return of grief and again I will ask. Again He wil answer.

    You know that He is always right there, waiting for you to turn to Him. Let Him help you. He loves you and He loves your child. And although it is difficult for those of us who are left behind, try to take comfort in the fact that there is nothing on this earth better than spending an eternity with our Father. As much as we miss our loved ones who have gone before us, we have to remember that what comes after this life truly is a reward. And they were His before they were ours. We need to let them go until we can all be together again.

    My prayers are with you.

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