Friday, December 28, 2007

post christmas thoughts

christmas was a roller coaster of emotions for me.

for one, i was so busy with work the weekend before christmas. and, that work also triggered an emotional breakdown fro me this holiday.

i had to attend a tvc shoot for one of our clients last friday. in one of the set-up which was done in a hospital, one of our talents was supposed to be a mom crying over her kid who was extremely sick. in that scene and the succeeding ones, our talent was crying inconsolably. it was not just acting, it was pure, raw emotion coming out from her.

apparently, her 16-yr old son passed away last year in a car accident. she was in the u.s when it happened and she wasn't able to reach her son alive anymore. the kid was in coma for 24 hours and passed away after that. unfortunately, the mom wasn't wable to arrive on time anymore to even say goodbye to him.

and so, as we are shooting that scene in the hospital, she was so filled with emotion that she couldn't control her tears. when i spoke to her after that, she said it was like re-living that scene with her son. she said she was it was like the lord placed her on that spot to let her "experience" the last minutes of her son through that scene. it was a heart wrenching scene to see her cry during that time.

admittedly, i wasn't too emotional that night as i was watching her. but i do know what she was going through, having lost my baby as well.

i remember vividly what she said, losing a kid whether at 16 yrs old, in her case, or at 10 days old, like in my case is basically the same -- you lost a kid. and no matter their age, the pain of loss is the same. she also said that, when people tell her that, now at least you have an angel, she tells them, "i don't want an angel! i want him to be here with me."

those words made a mark on my soul. i didn't feel it much that night i was talking to her. but the following day, as i was alone with my husband, the emotion of what i've heard and seen from her just hit me. the pain of my own loss and the longing for my lost child was just too much to bear once more. she was right, i'd rather have my baby here that to have an angel up there.

all the emotions i was feeling just welled up. and i was crying my heart out. it was hard to breathe but i know i have to let my emotions out. it was the only way i can let go of what i was feeling inside of me.

after that episode, it was back to the hustle and bustle of preparing gifts for our family.

last minute shopping and preparing our gifts occupied most of our thoughts after that. christmas eve was spent with my tita and cousins, which has been our yearly tradition. though times have changed, most of my cousins were not there to spend christmas with my tita, we all still try to maintain that tradition. it was fun to see my nieces and nephews opening up their gifts and enjoying the simple pleasures that you can only see in a kids' eyes this christmas.

after that, it was back to my hubby's place to spend christmas with my in-laws.

christmas day was spent attending church and having lunch with my in-laws. we went to my mom's place first then after that, hubby and i went out for our "me" time with each other. we spent it in the mall at market market & serendra. we had fun just goofing around and enjoying our little time together.

that evening, it was back to my emotional roller coaster. i was once again feeling the deep sadness of not having raya with us. it is in these times that i feel this kind of pain and longing next to her birth month. it is still hard to let go of the pain. the journey to total healing is still rough. but i know that i will get there. when, i have no idea. but i am hopeful and i pray that he guides me towards that direction.

and so, christmas has made its mark in our lives once more.

now, we look forward to another year. in a few days, 2007 will be beyond us and we look forward to 2008. that will be another reflection in itself...

4 comments:

  1. Hi, Liza. I can't pretend to know how you feel. I do know that even every single day, I worry about my son and wonder if I'm being a good mom.

    Yes, I agree with what she said, that a mom would rather have their child with them than an angel watching over them.

    I know it's hard... But I pray that you find the strength and courage to face everyday and to be thankful for having such a wonderful and supportive husband and family.

    *hugs*, my dear friend. God bless.

    Love,
    Nina

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  2. Hi Liza. Its been a while since Ive been here, like you Ive been through a lot of trials din. But I did try to be strong and now, everything is in its right place na with hubs by my side, everything is great. Cheers to caring husband that we have.

    Merry Christmas sis and happy new year :)

    Jeanny
    jeannycdj.wordpress.com

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  3. hi Liza.. i feel for you i really do..I miss Andie so much. Eventhough we have a new baby na di sya meant to replace Andie in our lives. Tama ka kay 10 hours,10 months, 10 years, the loss is still the same its still a loss. Maski di namin sya tunay na anak I still felt so bad nung kinuha sya...just wanted to tell you that I know what you're going through pain and all.

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