Thursday, December 29, 2005

remembering 2005

just a few days away and we'll already say goodbye to 2005 and welcome the new year - 2006! a lot has happened in my life this year. there were good times and there were (and still is) sad times. as i try to look back at what happened to me in 2005, i hope i'll be able to totally move forward and realize that despite everything, there is still a lot ahead for me and my family...

the year that was...

the first 5 months of 2005 was supposed to be one of the happiest moments of our life. i was 4 months pregnant by january and expecting our first baby. i was scheduled to give birth in july and it was something that we are looking forward to with much anticipation. the baby was growing strong inside my tummy and the monthly visits to our ob gave us a progress report on our baby's growth. the last visit we ever had with the ob was on my 7th month, april 30 to be exact. that was also the time we had our 3-d ultrasound and that's when we found out we were gonna have a baby girl! we've decided to name her rafaella iyanna and call her raya for her nickname. that was when we also started buying baby stuff for her arrival.

but the anticipation for raya's birth made a different turn. after 2 weeks, on may 13th, i prematurely gave birth to raya. my amniotic fluid leaked 2 days prior and i had no dea that that was it already. there were no contractions or any signs that i was about to give birth. an emergency cs operation was done on me that day. i wasn't able to see my baby immediately for she was rushed to the neonatal intensive care unit. her lungs were filled with fluid and the doctors had to immediately aid in removing it. it was hard for my baby since her lungs were also not yet that developed. at that early stage, they already heard a murmur in hear heart but they had to focus first on the immediate problem with her lungs.

for the next 9 days, i had to struggle going back & forth to the hospital. she was in the incubator and the most that i can do in every visit was talk to her and hold her hand or her feet. i know she's a strong girl and i keep on telling her to fight and i love her very much. we've seen her slowly improving as the water in her lungs have finally been excreted. the next thing they did was to conduct a 2d-echo on her to check the supposed murmur in her heart. and that's when they found out she had a hole in her heart. a set of medicines were supposed to be given to her in a span of 36 hours and they'll wait for her body's response on this.

on the 10th day, we were still hopeful on her recovery. but fate had other plans for us. the minute the hospital called us at 5:30am on may 23, our world had started to crumble down.

upon getting to the hospital, we still had to wait for the resident doctor before we were allowed to talk to her. and that was when she told us that our little raya can no longer make it. her fragile little body could no longer take it. her heart was getting weaker and it would just be a matter of time before she lets go.

my world literally shattered... how can i move on with life now that my daughter has left me...

as we were finally allowed to enter the nicu my mind was already a blank. as they gave to me little raya for the first and last time, i can no longer control myself. this was the only time that i was able to hold my baby and yet this will also be the last time that i can hold her.

my pain was way beyond what i can ever imagine at that time. as i hug my baby, as i talk to her for the last time, as my husband tries to calm me, i can no longer feel anything. my world has stopped. my world crashed down already.

as my family and friends helped us lay to rest our baby, i was in a dazed mode. i was just going through the motions of life because i had to. i couldn't talk about what happened without bursting into tears. i maximized the leave i had from the office, trying to console the inner me.

people have seen me move on right after, i related my story to them as if the episode has not happened just recently. i diverted my attention and time to doing other things, hoping that i can "forget" about what happened.

but the pain was just really too much to even forget. at night, with my husband beside me, i will just suddenly break into tears. there are times when he's already sleeping ahead of me, i will lie to bed and hug him then start crying waking him up in the process. it was hard for him seeing me in that state. more often, i end up crying myself to sleep. the void in my heart was just too big to patch-up.

as a way of healing ourselves, we've made it a point to visit our baby's grave every week. hardly do we ever miss out that chance to be with her even in this way. the few times also that her suppposed monthly birthday falls on a weekend, our whole family spends it with her. this is the most that we can do to remember our little angel.

now, as the year is about to end, and almost 8 months after my little raya's death, i can only say that i have moved forward somehow. hubby and i have slowly picked-up the pieces once more from our shattered life. we have not totally healed and yet the pain have somehow eased. still, the void is still there, it cannot be easily fixed or restored. only time can tell when i can finally say that i am totally healed.

the way towards my healing is long. i've been through ups and downs already in my relationship with the lord because of what has happened. and yet i know that i must accept it already. acceptance of my baby's loss is hard and it is not easy.

they say that we cannot fully understand god's plans in the things that happen in our life. the most that we can do is to trust him. trust him that he will always be with us despite all these pains. that he will guide us to the right path and reveal to us his plans in due time. i do pray that the lord will guide me to the right path. to the path of healing. to the path of acceptance. and trust him that he will once again shower us with his blessing.

i pray that 2006 will be a better year for us. i pray that he bless us with his grace and guidance. i hope that he will shower us with his continued love and compassion.

here's praying to a brighter 2006 for our family.


  1. hi sis, may the new year bring you much peace. take care always!

  2. May this year bring you peace, love, happiness, healing, and more blessings.

  3. MAy 2006 be a more fruitful years for all of us.

    Happy New Year dearie :D