today, november 13, was supposed to be our little raya's 6th month birthday.
this was supposed to be a day we are happily celebrating at home. we would have prepared a little salo-salo right at the dining table with her sitting in a high chair and being held by her daddy from the back. she would probably be smiling and cooing as we present her her birthday cake. we would have sung her a happy birthday and told her to blow the six little candles on top of her cake.
her lolo and lola would have been laughing as we take photos of the event. in six months time, we would have probably taken a lot of photos of raya. i would probably have spent lots of time building her own album and scrapbook by now.
by now, raya would probably have started eating solids already. she would possibly be showing off her first set of teeth and trying to reach out for things already. by now, we probably wouldn't be able to leave her alone and awake in the room. she would probably have learned to turn on her sides already and have started attempting to crawl.
at this point, we probably would have always been rushing home as soon as the clock turns 6pm. i would probably have spent most of my extra money buying her baby clothes and knick knacks from the mall.
but none of these are real today. none of these things will ever happen again. our little angel has already left us and we're only left with painful memories of her. we're only left with wishful thinking of the things that might have been. now, instead of buying little clothes, i only look at them with sadness. i look at them thinking, how pretty my little raya would have looked in them. when i see little girls almost the same age as raya inside the mall or the church, i feel a pinch in my heart.
it is truly hard to move on. raya's loss has left a void in my heart which i feel will not fully heal forever. i have already accepted her loss but i have not yet fully recovered. healing takes time and as i move on with life, i only pray that god will continue to guide me. i pray that his healing power envelope me as i try to go on with life without my daughter, our little angel.
hi liza, i have an angel of my own so, i've been there, too. unlike you, though, i've let go of the "could've beens and would've beens" right from the start pa lang because it just hurts too much to think about it. but you know what, the pain and the longing will eventually heal and you'll see that we are in fact, the lucky ones because we were given the chance to love deeply even for a while. keep the faith sis, one day at a time tayo.
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